The Lakerhead

Pau Gasol’s Scream Shot, Starburst’s Flavor Abomination

It’s the most difficult shot to guard in the NBA.  Many masters, including Kobe, with his professional “Ohhhh!” have used it in games.  The king of the scream shot this year, however, undoubtedly goes to Pau Gasol.

What is a scream shot, might you ask?  It’s really simple.  It consists of a shooting the ball while screaming at the top of your lungs to signify that the defender is fouling you the whole way.  This wondrous scream works best when attempting a driving, off-balance shot, with a defender close to your hip.

There is only one problem with the scream shot.  The NBA referees are too good.  Sure, it might have worked for Kobe for a while last year, but the refs have taken notice and usually ignore the scream now.  So what are Laker fans left with?  Pau Gasol screaming into the air every time he takes inside shots with a defender on him.  It gets strange at times.

It’s not like I’m not used to the occasional basketball scream.  But Gasol has a patented groan-scream that sounds like he just landed awkwardly and had a career-ending injury.  What was that scream? My panicked mind will wonder and worry.  And then it hits me- oh yeah - it’s just Pau Gasol.

There might be no explanation for the audible suffering exhibited by the Spaniard.  He’s been getting the same calls he’s always been getting, and I’ve yet to see a ref give him a phantom call.  But everyone has their theories.  Here is mine:  Pau Gasol sucks on Starburst’s Royal Berry Punch Chew when he’s on the court.  There is simply no other explanation.

Starburst is the snack of kings.  Think jolly ranchers that you can bite on.  But for some unknown reason, they have come up with a flavor abomination.  Simply put, the royal berry punch chew tastes like soap.  It’s the purple stuff in the picture above.  Stay far, far away.  Remember that pink powdery stuff the faculty passed off as soap in elementary school?  Imagine putting that in a nice rectangular box shape and eating it.  Oh, and the aftertaste: I call it throat burn.  Which is exactly where Gasol comes in.  He has the royal berry punch chews for energy, but he releases the extra screams to get out that sensation that something is stuck behind his throat.  That face he’s making below?  Universal for I’m having a Starburst right now.