Chris Mihm Hype Theory & Other Desperate Methods
OK, so Kobe’s 61 points distracted me and numbed the pain of losing Andrew Bynum for a few days. But panic mode has just struck. The Lakers need a big man!
Yes, I know I’m panicked over a team that breezed into the NBA Finals last year (and now we have the addition of Trevor Ariza), but I know the big boys that await back East, and they don’t play nicely with Lamar Odom and Pau Gasol as your starting big men.
The Lakers can all but give up hope having home court advantage in the Finals, with the Celtics and Cavs still scorching, and the Lake Show looking at long road-trips without their starting center.
There are many things that can still fall into place for the Lakers to win the championship. Most involve a lot of complex mathematical equations and methods I have comprised here.
OPTION 1: “Chris Mihm Fake Hype” Theory
Once upon a time, many years ago, Chris Mihm began to remind me of Luc Longley. Mihm averaged 10.2 points, and grabbed 6 rebounds in only 26 minutes of action. Most importantly, he shot 50% from the field and averaged 1.2 blocked shots a game.
Of course, he went down with a sprained ankle and didn’t play the next year due to ankle surgery, and has been unfairly forgotten as a “stiff” off the bench ever since.
Well ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to build him up again. Cheer with might when he hits a jump hook, Staples Center. Let out a “Miiiiiiiiihm” chant when he drills a 15-footer. And give him a standing ovation for every shot he blocks.
This ridiculous “fake hype” cheering works on two levels:
A: Chris is an emotional player who will thrive being the crowd favorite, and hustle that much more. In L.A., you sometimes become what the crowd thinks you are. How else do you explain Luke Walton averaging 12 points and 6 rebounds a game in the 2005-2006 season on nearly 46% shooting? I’m telling you, it was because of all the “Luuuuuuuuke” chants. In fact, Luke’s career statistics alarmingly correlate with how loud the crowd chants his name that year.
B: Adds to his player value for possible Grizzlies trade bait theory (explained later).
OPTION 2: Vintage Phoenix Suns (Minus the Playoff Suspensions) Theory
OK, say that the Lakers can’t magically transform Chris Mihm into Luc Longley. What do we do against the big men out East? We go small ball, baby. Check this lineup out: Jordan Farmar, Derek Fisher, Kobe Bryant, Vladamir Radmanovic, and Pau Gasol.
No, we’re not trying to stop Dwight Howard, Kevin Garnett, or even Kendrick Perkins, for that matter. We are trying to outscore you.
With this lineup, the Lakers have to run every chance they get. Shoot the first open three up. Offensive rebounds should be a pleasant surprise with this method, as long shots lead to long rebounds.
If the game slows down, take turns isolating Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol (so one player does not get exhausted early). Is KG going to be in the lane stalking Kobe when he has to respect Radmanovic who is standing at the 3-point line? The answer either way is good news for the Lakers.
7-seconds or less just might work. KG will be 33 during the Finals and Ray Allen already is 33. Let’s make the Celtics look old and gassed by running.
Option 3: “Somebody Still Loves You, Memphis” Theory
So let’s say Chris Mihm picks it up due to playing time and “fake hype” theory. We package Mihm, Sun Yue, and a future first-round pick for the Memphis Grizzlies’ Marc Gasol.
Marc Gasol is Pau Gasol’s younger, beefier brother who plays a decent brand of center as a “rookie” (rookie in quotations because he has played a lot of high-stakes, international ball for Spain). He is the European Kendrick Perkins. We are back to not being punked in the Finals.
Plus, there is something about having two brothers on the same team that makes them work harder, having each others’ back on rebounds and defense.
Now, any normal team would say no to this trade. But the Memphis Grizzlies are just the team to go on about Sun Yue’s “high ceiling”, and Chris Mihm being “a quality starter”. This is the same team that took Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittenton, Aaron Mckie’s expiring contract, and two future picks for bonafide stud Pau Gasol.
Of course, one of those draft picks happened to be Marc Gasol. We’ll remind them that as we take Marc Gasol out of their hands and give them another pick.
There you have it, proven theories for the Lakers to survive without Andrew Bynum. Those who believe that Bynum will come back when the playoffs begin, and the Lakers will win it all, be advised. That’s called the “my injured big man will heal just in time” theory. Although not impossible, the Lakers are 0-1 on that front.
