The Lakerhead

Survival Guide for Lakers Fans

I’ve always believed everyone can survive anything with lists.  After watching Zombieland, which is bar none the greatest comedy about surviving Zombies ever, it’s clear that Lakers fans need a list with them to survive summers.

Ask the Kid on the Left What it Takes to Survive: Rules

My fellow readers, I’m hoping if the steps on this list are followed, this will have been the last summer we lost so many great fans due to Lakers withdrawal.

Rule # 1) Watch Kobe Drop 81 Points

This isn’t just a video, it’s an experience.  On January 22, 2006, Kobe Bryant, a shooting guard in the modern NBA era scored 81 points by shooting over 60% from the field.

That Wilt Chamberlain 100 point game? He shot only 57.1%, the game was never televised, his team kept fouling the opponents to get the ball back so Wilt could score some more in the final minutes, and he was a center that got his points through physical domination, not superior basketball skill.

Kobe Bryant’s single game performance is so far past any NBA player ever, including Wilt, that it’s not even funny.  Twisting drives, dunks, and fade-away jumpers galore, it is the ultimate display of offensive basketball skills.

This 3 minute video can be watched every summer morning like a vitamin pill for the Lakers withdrawal the fan is about to endure.  And yes, it still gives me goosebumps watching it.

Rule # 2) Enjoy the Little Things

OK, so maybe this rule was directly taken from Zombieland.  The important thing is that it is remarkably useful to a Lakers fan trying to survive the summer.

So for all my Angelinos, here is a random list of the small things to enjoy in the city of Angels.

In-N-Out Burger - The family-owned “fast food” joint is a California staple.  Maybe even the California staple. With fries cooked in vegetable oil, burger patties that are never frozen, and that sweet, thousand-island-ish burger sauce, is there a better burger joint in town?  I don’t think so.

Give me a double double cheeseburgers with animal style fries (that’s grilled onions, cheese, and thousand island sauce on your fries for those of you keeping score at home) and a milkshake and I’ll temporarily forget about the Lakers…for five minutes.

Shopping - Hey, this is La-La land, right?  For Lakers fans, shopping takes on a whole new meaning.  It means getting the Kobe Zoom IV’s, the stylish low-top basketball shoe that barely weighs anything.

I’d say this summer’s must-have for die-hard Lakers fans had to be Kobe’s four fingered puppet shirt with a championship on each finger.

Rule # 3) Watch the Lakers Play the Final Game at Boston Garden

The year was 1995.  The Lakers were never more fun to watch.  The Magic-Kareem-Worthy showtime of the 80’s was replaced by The Lake Show, which consisted of Nick “The Quick” Van Exel, Eddie Jones, and Cedric Ceballos.  Oh, and we have Vlade Divac in his prime.  This team was no joke.

This team ran with such great ferocity, it’s like they wrote the book 7 Seconds or Less themselves.  I’m convinced a 1995 Van Exel could outplay any point guard in the history of time.  I refuse to take off these rosy colored Laker goggles.  Just look at him go in this video, he can’t be stopped in any way.

A little under five minutes into the video (4:50 mark), a Lakers fan with a purple team jacket and purple face paint comes out with a sign that says the Lakers Own the Celtics on one side and Lakers Rule the Garden on the other, and the camera zooms into a little boy from Boston who reads the sign and looks like his dreams are crushed.  I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

This was the last game the Lakers played at Boston Garden before the Celtics moved to a new arena.  Needless to say, the Lakers won with a buzzer beater.  It is only fitting, and one last act of revenge against the Lakers’ all-time rivals.  As an added bonus, Lakers fans get to hear legendary announcer Chick Hearn’s voice.  You forget how amazing his play-by-play call is.  Refuse to forget.  This video will be prescribed once a week in the summer.

Rule #4) Listen to Music

If you were living large in the mid 90’s like Nick Van Exel, it seemed like you almost couldn’t go wrong with music.  Mainstream radio was playing Weezer, Garbage, and Notorious B.I.G. instead of Rise Against, Lady Gaga, and Panic at the Disco.

But thankfully there is a huge advantage today - the internet no longer means a 28k modem and waiting 2 minutes for a picture to load.  So get an account from Last.fm, Pandora, or any other free music site and discover where the good music has gone, off the airwaves and onto the web.

For those of us that survived so far, the first televised preseason game featuring the Lakers against the Golden State Warriors is tonight.  Do not be fooled, however.  The starers you want to see will play sparse minutes.  You might leave feeling let down.  Keep following the rules, and stay strong until the regular season begins.  Good luck out there..

Update: Lakers Win First Preseason Game - What happens when you play a team with no defense like the  Golden State Warriors? (stay classy, Don Nelson).  You hit your offensive flow.  The Lakers beat the Warriors 118-101. Bynum was a dunk machine with no Warrior big to check him, and had 24 points.  If he’s back in last season’s form before he got injured and he somehow avoids injury this year, the Lakers have a great chance to win over 70 games.

Artest nearly got a triple-double in his Lakers debut with 12 points, 9 rebounds, and 7 assists.  He passed when he should have, jumpers, and played his brand of defense.  And they said it wouldn’t work, it worked…er…for one preseason game.  Keep it up, Ron!

Kobe still looked like Kobe, scoring 22 points on a sizzling 8-17 shooting.  Pau Gasol got an efficient 11 points and 8 rebounds in only 18 minutes of play.  You couldn’t dream of a better start to the preseason than this.

The Lakers play the Warriors again Friday night at 7:00PM.  Forget Friday nights.  This is blood, sweat, and tears (OK, maybe not blood).  This is Lakers basketball.